


Shaken not stirred

by Heuristic



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-13 06:01:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heuristic/pseuds/Heuristic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Santana decides alcohol is an easy way to make Rachel open up about her hidden feelings for Quinn</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shaken not stirred

**Author's Note:**

> This is my favourite of all the many things I have written even if it has proved the least popular. Based on a remark in my EGOT story but works as a stand alone

"When you said to meet you for a drink I had a soya mocha latte in mind not.." Rachel waved her hand in the general direction of the cocktail bar in front of them," a den of iniquity where the unscrupulous entice the unwary into buying brightly coloured exorbitantly priced false promises of paradise.."

"Keep your hair on, it's just a bar," interrupted Santana amazed at how quickly her cunning plan was becoming unraveled. Maybe it wasn't the most upmarket and trendiest of bars but hey, this was Rachel she was dealing with and she only had a limited budget.

"Which we're too young and far too sensible to frequent," added Rachel hands hovering dangerously near her hips. Santana knew as soon as those hands reached those hips her chances of cajoling and persuading Rachel to 'live a little' and then reveal under the influence of alcohol any of her jealously guarded secrets would drop to a big fat round zero. Although Rachel might have the attitude of a nun to the demon drink - or at least Santana thought she did; apart from that week at high school she'd never seen Rachel with anything stronger than a fruit juice in her hand - Rachel's big weakness was her natural empathy for those around her. A weakness that a more cynical, less altruistic-minded Santana had no qualms in exploiting. She brought thoughts of her dearly loved, long departed grandfather to mind and then turned slightly away from Rachel.

" It's been exactly two months since Brittany and I," Santana paused partly for dramatic effect and partly because her emotions had wrestled free of their usual constraints," split up. I was hoping, well," she paused to allow Rachel to glimpse the tears threatening to spill from her eyes before turning away again," I didn't want to drink alone." The trail off of her voice to a whisper was masterful and forced Rachel to lean in to hear her.

Santana wiped away a tear; maybe she wasn't quite as over it as she thought. Rachel placed a hand on Santana's shoulder to emphasise her empathy although the hints of tears in her own eyes were a far better indication of her feelings.

"We can talk somewhere more suitable," she offered sympathetically feeling honoured that Santana had actually let her see her more vulnerable side. A side she had thought non-existent throughout her school years on the rare occasions she'd actually thought about Santana. Most of her time had been taken up trying to determine Quinn's motivations and wondering if her drive to befriend Quinn actually revealed something fundamentally wrong in her own DNA. Quinn might be the most beautiful woman Rachel had ever seen but surely she wasn't so shallow that looks were the only criteria for her ...well..whatever it was she had for Quinn. Rachel tore her thoughts away form the beauty of Quinn to focus her attention on the visibly upset Santana beside her.

"I just wanted..it's silly really, I just wanted to toast a new future," whispered Santana no longer certain that this was an act.

"Well," pondered Rachel hesitantly switching glances between Santana and the brightly lit luminous signs with flourescent cocktail glasses topped with umbrellas," one won't hurt."

Santana worked hard to disguise her sense of triumph, a lightweight like Berry would be spilling all her inner most thought and feelings within the hour, she glanced at Rachel, three cocktails tops she estimated. Her plan to extract from Rachel how she really felt about Quinn was finally coming together. Her previous attempts at extracting information had been thwarted by Rachel's uncanny ability to sidetrack Santana usually by making some remark Santana felt obligated to challenge.

"Mind you I doubt whether we'll be served anything alcoholic.." Rachel was cut off by Santana suddenly waving two bits of plastic in front of her.

"That's where a streetwise Santana comes in," Santana said smugly wondering when she'd started talking about herself in the third person. Rachel looked horrified but Santana suspected it wasn't over her use of the third person.

"Are those..?" asked a wide eyed Rachel

Santana nodded sagely," Yep, fake ids" and then propelled Rachel towards the door of the bar effectively cutting the conversation off as Rachel's fears of a criminal record destroying her Broadway career before it even started outweighed her need to scold Santana.

The dimly lit interior of the bar made reading the extensive cocktail list quite challenging. They'd chosen a table in one of the corners as Santana hoped the slightly more private setting would prove conducive to extracting information from Rachel. She had one primary aim in mind and that was to find out once and for all whether Rachel had a romantic interest in Quinn or rather to find out if Rachel was as keen to jump Quinn's bones as Quinn was to jump hers. Honestly if they just did the deed maybe Quinn would be able to move on from her unhealthy long distance pining - even if she was in denial about it- and enjoy the sapphic delights Yale had to offer; intelligent totty had been a rarity in Lima. If, on the way to finding out Rachel's feelings for Quinn, Santana managed to find out what a drunken Rachel Berry behaved like, well all the better. Collecting embarrassing tales about others was kind of a hobby of hers.

"I think I'll have a Virgin Mojito," stated Rachel brightly not even bothering to open the well-worn dog-eared menu in front of her. It was a drink and the lack of alcohol might mean she wouldn't be facing criminal charges if their fake ids were spotted.

"Uh uh." scolded Santana," Virgins are off the menu. Let's have Manhattans to start."

Rachel's planned protests were halted by Santana's less than surreptitious wiping away of an errant tear. Just one then she told herself firmly. They could toast a new future and then move on both emotionally and literally - she really needed to get some of her washing done tonight.

They sat in a comfortable silence as they waited for their drinks to arrive. The service was fast although the fancy display of cocktail shaking skills were wasted on Rachel as she focussed her efforts on trying to identify the background music. Definitely some kind of cheap tribute band recorded illegally judging by the lack of clarity of sound.

Two Manhattans appeared in front of them Santana reached for hers with a smile as Rachel eyed hers warily. From the price the content of the glass needed to be pure alcohol apart from the cherry.

"To a new start" toasted Santana a big smile on her face now that her plan was underway. No turning back now. By the end of the evening she'd know how Rachel really felt about Quinn even if she had to become slightly tipsy and a little poorer on the way. The sacrifices she made for her friends eh?

"A new start" joined in a hesitant Rachel before finally allowing herself to try a sip of the drink in front of her. Hmmm not bad, not bad at all. She watched Santana drain her glass and then followed suit with the phrase 'when in Rome' running around her head. She was rewarded by a smile from Santana as she ordered a pair of New York cocktails from a passing waiter. The next toast was " to us"

Rachel had decided ladylike sipping would probably stop the burn in the back of throat and the watery eyes caused by downing her previous cocktail in one.

"To future relationships" toasted Santana before deciding that one and a half cocktails were probably sufficient for Rachel to be loose lipped.

"Ever been in love?" asked Santana trying to sound casual

"No" stated Rachel emphatically downing a slightly larger than intended mouthful of New York cocktail

Santana frowned, not quite the opening she was after. She rearranged her thoughts with some effort

"Surely you've at least been in lust or had a crush on someone," Santana volunteered.

"You mean someone who's mere presence makes your heart race and your attention narrows to just what their doing and saying as your mouth goes dry and there's an ache in your chest?" asked Rachel waving her glass about erratically. Santana found the lack of pronoun promising. She nodded encouragingly.

"They smile and the world seems a better and brighter place. And when they kiss you and their soft lips press against yours the world stops revolving and time stands still. Your lips tingle and a warmth floods your veins and you suddenly think you can die happy if this is the last thing you ever do as it's suddenly the only thing you want to do. " Rachel tailed off wistfully. Santana felt confused, Quinn and Rachel had never kissed so who was Rachel thinking of? Surely not Puck? Had she said soft lips? Were Pucks lips soft?

"Er yeah" managed a slightly confused Santana.

Rachel suddenly snapped to attention and drained the rest of her glass with purpose, forcing herself out of the daydream.

"No, absolutely not. No idea what you're talking about" Rachel stated assertively," Never been there, never done or felt that." Rachel pushed the memory of the sensations caused by Quinn's surprise kiss out of her mind and glared defiantly at Santana. Santana took the hint. She drained her glass in order to catch up with Rachel.

" Two Broadway Martinis" Rachel ordered brightly determined not to dwell on what could have or should have been. She had never been in Quinn's league.

"Okay Miss waiting-for-true-love's-first-kiss describe your ideal partner," ordered Santana as she decided a different approach was needed.

Rachel offered a silent toast and then managed to find her mouth on the second attempt. Maybe skipping lunch hadn't been such a good idea. Her ideal partner?

"Let me help," an impatient Santana muttered slightly irritated," male or female?"

"Surely it's who rather than what," prevaricated Rachel as a definite female ex-cheerleader sprung to mind.

" Blond or brunette?" asked Santana. She wasn't giving up that easily.

Images of a blond and then pink haired Quinn danced in Rachel's brain. She had found a pink haired, lip licking Quinn rather hot and incredibly attractive but she wouldn't be confessing that to anyone ever.

" I'd like to think I'm not so shallow as to be swayed by mere hair colour" started Rachel only to be interrupted by Santana's exasperated snorts," Personality is of course paramount in a successful beau."

Santana gazed aghast at Rachel. Were her sentences getting longer as her sobriety fled and who actually used the term beau?

"Top or bottom?" she asked as it gradually dawned on her that extracting blood from a stone would be easier (and cheaper) than prising meaningful information from Rachel

"Is that a polite way of asking whether I prefer breasts or asses?" queried Rachel back, unsure whether she could in fact state a preference when considering Quinn objectively. Santana finally grinned, no one liked men for their breasts so that must mean...

" Although the question does rather assume a preference for the female form," mused Rachel wiping the smile from Santana's lips as she finished the last of her cocktail.

"So I refer you to my previous responses it's all about who with an emphasis on personality rather than eye-candy rating" an earnest Rachel insisted as a small voice shouted liar liar liar in her head" and anyway enough of me what about you?"

"Female, blond, bottom," stated Santana quickly before ordering a pair of Leg spreader cocktails. It was a choice designed to irritate Rachel by its crudeness.

"Oh..okay I was hoping to try a slippery nipple," Rachel noted in a slightly disappointed tone.

"Plenty of time, the night's still young" reassured Santana before adding," have you ever played scr..sleep with, marry, push off a cliff?"

Rachel shook her head but then settled for a verbal denial as the shaking of her head made the room spin in an alarming manner.

"I give you three names and you decide one to scr.. er, sleep with, one to marry and one to push off a cliff" explained Santana patiently. Rachel indicated her understanding although the amusement factor of the game rather eluded her.

"Okay, Scheuster, Sylvester and Pillsbury" said Santana holding back the Quinn option for another round. She could do subtle. Rachel was looking at her in a horrified manner.

"Well I s'pose it would all depend on what one wanted from matrimony.." stalled Rachel the thought of any of her teachers..well just no.

"You don't need to justify your answer," sighed Santana.

" And then obviously one chooses the preferred sexual partner for marriage rather than a one night stand otherwise.."

" Rachel, you don't need to justify your answer," said Santana a little louder.

Rachel considered her options carefully as their next round of cocktails arrived and Santana wondered why she'd started this. After what seemed a lifetime, although in reality was probably only five minutes, a pleased with herself Rachel was ready.

"Pilsbury, Sylvester Scheuster" she announced triumphantly," Your turn, Figgins, Bieste, Scheuster"

"Figgins Bieste Scheuster" replied Santana as soon as Rachel had stopped speaking.

"Yes" responded Rachel.

"That's my answer. Sleep with Figgins, marry Bieste and push Scheuster off a cliff," explained Santana wondering why the game was lacking the hilarity factor from the previous times she'd played it. "Okay your turn Tina, Mercedes and Quinn"

"Sleep with Tina, marry Quinn and Mercedes is for the drop" replied Rachel almost as soon as Santana had posed the question.

"Really?" Santana leaned forward,"how did you come to that decision?"

Rachel eyed her warily," Firstly you say loudly and repeatedly I might add that I don't need to justify my decision and now you're saying I do? Remind me to insist on a set of written rules in the future it's hardly fair to keep changing the goalposts. Imagine if mid football game it was decided.."

"Okay" said Santana loudly, arms up in mock surrender,"Forget I asked. It's a silly game anyway."

When Rachel didn't respond instead she stared into her cocktail before determinedly taking a swallow. Her thoughts were caught up in musing over why people drank to forget when in her very limited experience all she had done was remember her sense of longing for some kind of relationship with Quinn. Maybe she needed to imbibe more of the demon drink before the forgetting factor kicked in? Santana regularly throwing Quinn into the conversation along with some of the suggestive names of the cocktails definitely weren't helpful on the forgetting front. Leg spreader indeed, Rachel shifted on her chair, if only it was that easy. 'Hey Quinn, welcome to my humble abode, please lie on my bed and drink this cocktail I've prepared for you' Rachel stopped the scenario that had begun to run in her head. It suddenly felt hotter in the room. There was no way she was going to think about a Slippery Nipple or how it might taste.

"So Santana want to talk about you and Brittany?" Rachel asked to distract herself.

"Nah, nothing to talk about, over, ended, finito," said Santana firmly well aware how close to sobbing her heart out she was. Alcohol always made her overly emotional.

"How are things at Nyada, is that Brody guy still being 'friendly'?" Santana bounced back sufficiently inebriated to actually mime air quotes. Now Rachel was the one looking uncomfortable. There was this older student in the shared dorms that had seemed to take a shine to Rachel. Rachel had been flattered at first; her talents were finally being appreciated whilst simultaneously being derided in her dance classes by a bitter and obviously jealous never-was of Broadway. Brody giving her confidence as Ms July sought to destroy it. The most sort after male, correction straight male in the building only had eyes for her, constantly told her how amazing she was, did thoughtful things like buying her her favourite coffee, was an amazingly talented dancer as well as good looking and caring, and included her on all the hip happening social events going. So now the ideal leading man material was there begging to be part of her life just as she had daydreamed about for years and she was just not, well interested. Not even slightly. She frowned as she thought about it.

"He hasn't tried anything has he?" asked Santana protectively. She'd be having a word if he'd dared to lay a finger..

"No, no. He's been a perfect gentleman. It's just " Rachel sighed heavily. It was just what? He wasn't Quinn? Certainly not something to confess to Santana with all her efforts to bring Quinn up in conversation all the time. If she didn't know better she'd think Santana was fishing for information on how she felt about Quinn which was ridiculous because she never, repeat never, had any intention of letting such dangerous information loose in the hands of Santana. The possibilities for Rachel's endless humiliation were immense. Time to distract Santana and order another drink.

Time flew by and the bar bill racked up as Rachel sought to distract Santana (if she disliked Finn so much why was she so keen to bed him?) and Santana sought to pry information from Rachel (who would be Quinn's ideal companion and why had Rachel never spoken about the Prom slap?). Santana was simultaneously impressed and exasperated by Rachel's ability to match her drink for drink. Santana became more emotional and her speech slurred as Rachel suddenly became more verbose but her diction seemingly unaffected if not even clearer from the onset of intoxication. So Santana's attempt to find out how attractive Rachel thought Quinn was quickly morphed into a long confession of all the things Santana would do differently if she had her high school years again. When Santana attempted for a second time to elicit a judgement from Rachel about Quinn's suitability as a romantic partner she was stopped in her tracks by an earnest Rachel asking if Santana had a crush on her best friend what with her need to discuss her all the time. Santana was too surprised to notice the mischievous grin that followed the question.

Santana gazed bleary eyed at the menu before finally deciding on what concoction they should be sampling next. It felt like exaggerated mouth movements were required in order to force correctly formed words past her alcohol-numbed tongue. She'd lost count about an hour ago of how many cocktails they'd downed but the fact she was using her 'emergencies only' credit card didn't bode well. But hey, life was too short and Rachel far more impervious to the effects of alcohol than she'd expected.

"So Rachhh," she smiled in what she hoped was a winning manner as she placed a hand on Rachel's arm on the second attempt," What about," she paused to grin in what she hoped was a winning manner at Rachel, "a long slow comfortable screw against the wall?"

She noted the surprised look Rachel gave her before after a brief pause Rachel placed her free hand on top of Santana's.

"I'm flattered, really I am," started Rachel stumbling slightly over the word flattered and sounding as insincere as her words suggested. Santana focussed on Rachel's hand as she struggled to make sense of the response. Flattered? Maybe she hadn't said what she thought she had?

"You're a good friend," stated Rachel clearly,"But as much as I like you, I don't like you like that"

Santana looked at her bewilderment. You offer your friend a drink and they get all maudlin and mushy. Slowly as her alcohol sodden brain re-ran the conversation she realised the misunderstanding. Her eyes narrowed as she glared at Rachel. Honestly did Rachel think she was that crass?

"If I was going to propos..propsoshi.. .going to ...make a pass at you with cocktails I'd at least have the class to offer you a screaming orgasm" spluttered Santana indignantly wondering why she could think proposition but not actually say it.

Rachel looked slightly embarrassed and Santana decided this was the appropriate opportunity for a stealthy attempt to extract information about Rachel's feelings for Quinn.

"Soooooo, what would you say if like Quinn offered you a screaming orgasm?" asked Santana pleased with her subtlety.

"I'd say I don't like Baileys and I think I've had enough to drink," replied Rachel with all the sincerity she could muster as she watched Santana visibly deflate in front of her.

"Mind you," she added mischievously," I wouldn't say no to a couple of body shots I mean, have you seen Quinn's abs?"

Santana's quick change from disappointment to sudden intense interest only amused Rachel further.

"Although when your talking abs I s'pose you'd need to consider Sam's. I mean, he was making a successful living as a stripper for a reason," Rachel said innocently, dangling the information as bait in front of Santana. Three, two, ...

"Sam was a stripper?!" exclaimed Santana unable to believe she'd never heard this before. Sam as a stripper. She couldn't quite believe it. Rachel knew Sam was a stripper, had seen his abs so that meant...

"You saw Sam doing a striping routine?" asked Santana her voice rising in wonder. Rachel had been to a strip club? Rachel 'don't exploit animals' Berry had willingly been to a place that exploited people?

Rachel nodded as she watched Santana try and put the little information she had given her together.

"He was quite the showman although I'm not sure 'I'm sexy and I know it' was a good choice of accompanying track" added Rachel "Besides everyone knows men are just more attractive with rather than without underwear on."

"Depends on the underwear" muttered Santana determined not to agree with Rachel. She was fighting the urge to close her eyes just to stop the room spinning and because she suddenly felt tired. She could hear Rachel clearly ordering yet another round of drinks as she half heatedly wrestled with the onset of sleep.

Rachel's phone was out and a picture of a drooling but unconscious Santana alongside a full cocktail glass was quickly uploaded to facebook with the comment ' Santana, too tired for a screaming orgasm'. Rachel paused to try and determine just how unaffected her decision making processes were from a soaking in alcohol before adding a portrait of herself sipping from her drink. Her caption ' A long slow comfortable screw against the wall? Don't mind if I do" was on her facebook page long enough for Quinn to download the image before a bright eyed bushy tailed Rachel deleted it from her account the next morning. She'd slept through her early morning alarm and had woken up with a bit of a dry mouth. So this was what a hangover felt like. Rachel paused her singing in the shower to consider the full effects of yesterdays excesses on her system - yep, definitely an experience she had little wish to repeat but on the plus side she could now cross off inebriation from her list of must have college experiences. She mentally ran through the list - 'mind-blowing sex with a woman' didn't look as if it would be happening anytime soon so maybe she should go for a less ambitious target of 'a sexual encounter with a female'. Yep, as part of her fully embracing the NYADA experience and putting her high school years behind her she was going to focus her efforts on achieving a Sapphic experience in the next few weeks. If that didn't cure her of her Quinn-fatuation then nothing would.


End file.
